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Thursday, May 02, 2019

Bachelor Life- Episode 4



I had totally forgotten I had given her my address. Who would have thought she would come to my house directly? 

My plan had been to pick her up from the bus stop close to my apartment. I silently prayed she would miss her way. Problem was that my house can easily be located and was only a stone’s throw from the Bus Stop.

Nervous and panicky, I quickly roused Funke and told her I had to go pick my mum who was visiting from the airport. She noticed my impatient nudging’s for her to leave quickly and asked;

“Na wa o. Why are you so much in a hurry? Are you pursuing me?”

“Noo nau. Not that. It’s just that her flight will land in 2o minutes and I am late already.” I replied.

“So when are we seeing again?” (Which kain babe be dis na? we say make you go, you dey ask when we go see).

“Don’t worry. We‘ll see before the week runs out. I even want to take you to the movies. There’s this movie I want you to watch. I lied.

‘Ok. Am set. Let’s go’, she replied reluctantly.

My phone rang again and I checked the caller; it was Tina yet again. This time, she kept calling continually. I knew she must be pretty close by. I didn’t and couldn’t pick the call.

“Pick your call na, ” Funke said staring at the ringing phone.

“It’s my oga at work. I know why he is calling. I don’t want to pick or cut the call,” I lied yet again.

As we left my apartment, I did not bother locking the door. By now, I was basically a bundle of nerves. I could not think straight.

 I quickly mustered a silent desperate prayer to God to spare me from the impending embarrassment in return for which I would attend church the coming Sunday (I had not been in church for six months).



Unfortunately, it seemed like the heavens were pretty much angered towards me because immediately we set foot on my street, we bumped into Tina.

“Shola, what’s all this na? I‘ve been calling and pinging you since. Haba. You just left me stranded since. Didn’t you see all my missed calls and bb messages?’ Tina fumed immediately she set eyes on me completely ignoring Funke standing beside me.

‘Tina! Tina Watsup?..em..err..am so sorry. I wasn’t with my phone. Em..just gimme a minute, lemme walk my friend.’

“So what should I do? Just stand in the middle of nowhere while you finish with your friend?" she asked, eyeing Funke contemptuously and still fuming with rage. (There’s this thing with girls when they get angry. They just seem to lose all sense of reasoning)

“Chill na. I said am coming. I‘ll join you in the next five minutes. That’s my house. The door is open, You can go and wait for me. I‘ll join you soon”. I said pointing at the door to my apartment.

 Then I turned to Funke whose face was clearly boiling and before I could say anything, she seethed in a loud voice:

“Who are you walking away? Don’t you dare!!! Don’t you dare come near me!!!”

She was basically screaming now and her voice had started attracting a few passersby.

“So this is who you are? Is this your mum that you want to go pick at the airport abi? So you‘ve been lying and pretending abi? I just knew something was fishy. So you were rushing me out of your house because of this low life cheap prostitute? abi," she bellowed.

Things were beginning to get out of hand and I could notice a few of my neighbors peeping from their windows.

 Being a quiet environment, I was sure that with the way Funke was screaming, it would be a matter of seconds before a full blown scene would be created. 

Whilst I was still thinking of the words to say in response to Funke and how to handle the situation,  I heard a loud sound; Tina had landed Funke a heavy slap; the type typically given by mobile policemen and soldiers; accompanied by the question;

“Who are you calling a prostitute?”

Staggering and not in a mood to reply Tina with words, Funke didn’t seem to be fazed by Tina’s obvious size superiority to her and had responded to Tina  with two slaps while I just stood and watched; rooted to the spot in shock.

Despite Funke’s rather small stature, she had always had this fiery and feisty side to her. Her Olympic boxing champion styled slap cum blows to Tina’s face must have made Floyd Mayweather green with envy.

 It not only resulted in Tina wobbling and stumbling away, it also ensured her bag and phone were flung in different directions.

By now, a large crowd had gathered. (Who wouldn’t want to see two girls fighting in public?)Rather weirdly, no one made any attempt to separate the feuding divas.

 Overcoming my initial shock, I decided it was time to end the madness. I approached Funke to try and stop her from landing further blows but I could see her eyes were blazing with rage. She seemed rather stronger than usual and pushed me away with the ferocity of someone possessed shouting:

‘Leave me! Leave me! Let me teach this bitch a lesson!”

By now, Tina had gathered herself and braced herself for the final onslaught. Eyes beaming with rage and vengeance, she charged forward towards Funke who was also ready to show she was not a push over.

Then all hell was let loose....


To be continued

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