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Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Touch Of Spite (2)

See, she did not break my heart. I am serious, she didn’t. Yes, I did not eat for some days, but that had nothing to do with her. I just did not have the appetite.

For the whole week that she refused to speak to me or see me, I had no hunger for food.

I was just worried.
That I did not date another female after her for more than a year didn’t mean that my heart was broken. I am a man, we do not get heartbroken.

Do not argue with me, it is my heart not yours. If a body’s heart gets broken, the body dies. My heart was just fine, still is, thank you.

Nothing really happened too. There was no offense on my part. The last time we were together, it was all blissful panting and enjoyable sighs.

This was routine. So when she did not take my calls the next morning, it was no issue for me. I began to worry when she did not call me or pick my calls the next day too.

Then she sent a text telling me that she wanted to be alone for some time because she wanted to think through some things.

I have never put much stock in what a woman would be thinking, so I felt I just needed to up my game, even though I was sure I was up there with cupid and the other masters of romance.

So I took the Art of Seduction and marked some pages and underlined some great ideas. Then I persevered and wrote some other great insights at the book edges and between the lines.

 But when a girl is evil, there is no strategy that will bring her back. That great book failed me.

Ok, it earned me one last audience with her for some minutes, but I don’t know if that should count because that interview that occurred at her door step was terrible.

When her door opened, joy flooded my heart; I observed that her eyes were a bit swollen and red. I also observed that she did not let me in.

“Sweetie, what happened? What is going on? Did I do something wrong?”

She raised her eyes at me, and for the umpteenth time I wondered what God was playing at when he made those eyes.

“I am pregnant.”

I swallowed, digested the swallow and swallowed some more. My heart stammered and then my lips exulted.

“What? Sweet heart! Are you serious? That is so wonderful! It is going to be a boy. I can't belie…”

The slap that slim fine lady gave me was worse than a gun shot. In my ecstasy I did not see it coming. My brain thought the world had ended. I could not see. I could not hear.

All those idiots who think women are weaker or harmless have never been slapped by a woman. Her door slamming shut inspired my brain to get hold of itself and give me balance. I found I was still standing and alive in front of the closed door.

I journeyed back to my car, flipped down my mirror and checked why the left side of my face felt like rusted heavy metal.

When a man survives blunt trauma, he naturally begins to evaluate how it happened. Now, in a saner world, pregnancy is a good thing. In the womb of the wise and pure women without bad intentions, a child is a testimony. 

A man swells with pride at the feat of impregnating a female body. But my own things are always different. My achievement was a blunt trauma worse than a stroke. Judge this matter and tell me how I did wrong? How I deserved that slap, and how pregnancy is a cause for break up?

I have always told you why women are not good things: They can never be predicted. Add this also to that list.

It is known that women are generally worse during pregnancy, and that their hormones and emotions swing like pendulum at many intervals. So, I had supposed, after that slap, that she will call me to apologize and tell me some nice things.

I supposed erroneously for two days.

I trampled on my ego and pride, and called her. She did not pick the calls. I supposed it was due to the bad cell network in the area. I wanted to go see her but the left side of my face would have none of it; it didn’t want another trauma.

So I sent her a text message. I put all my reason into that message which after five phone pages climaxed with the fact that I would marry her and will be a good man and father to our child.

My phone tringed with her message and I smiled in satisfaction.

“Go to hell!”
I removed my SIM card, blew at it, swiped it, blew inside the phone too for good measure and then reinserted the SIM.

“Go to hell!”

It was no SIM error. She wanted me to go to hell. And she did not say how long she wanted me to stay there.

Slowly, it took some hours, as I examined and cogitated on the three words of her reply text, it began to dawn on me, very gently, that she did not want anything further to do with me.

You find it strange too, right? She did not even want to marry me. Imagine that! This is me we are chatting about here. Did I not tell you she was evil?

Other single women play the pregnancy card to ensnare and enslave an unfortunate male, there I was, willing to be the unfortunate, yet she refused me.

What do you make of that?

While I was coming to terms with her message requesting me to go spend some time in hell, and if I agreed, how best I should undertake the enterprise, three sharp raps on my door interrupted me.

I opened the door and encountered three policemen. They looked at me, and my eyes replied...

 To be continued

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Bachelor's Life- Final episode

After about half an hour of female fury inspired fight between Tina and Funke, they were finally separated. It was after the fight I learnt both of them knew each other. 

According to Funke, Tina had been in the habit of snatching her boyfriends. Tina had denied she was snatching me but was only a friend visiting. Tina, who was really busty had her top torn in such a way her nipples were the only part covered. I could even notice the eyes of the elderly man they were explaining to, constantly glued on her boobs.

The ignominy I suffered in having my private life discussed openly to the ears of neighbors and strangers was award winning. 

It was really annoying hearing the elderly man who eventually settled the matter offering me unsolicited advice on my personal lifestyle and the need to be focused. (Imagine!) The humiliation did not stop there. 

After the matter had been settled and I had received all types of stares ranging from pity to ridicule, my direct neighbor, a woman probably in her mid-forties, called me aside to stress the need to have one stable relationship because according to her, having multiple relationships could lead to me getting infected with sexually transmitted diseases.

After the crowd had dispersed and Funke had been led away by someone who knew her in the area, I was mildly surprised to see Tina silently slipping into my apartment after all that had happened. It was not like she had much choice after Funke had left her half naked.

After listening to my neighbor more out of courtesy than anything, I went to my apartment with a hugely deflated ego. So much for the best laid plans! I was a bit confused as to what my approach to Tina should be. 

Without saying a word, I put on the TV and went to the kitchen to prepare something to eat. I was totally famished. I put rice on the fire and then got one of my vests which i meant to hand it over to her. She looked at me, shook her head and gave the longest hiss I had ever heard.

Normal thing (No be babes?)

“I know you are upset and I am also. I blame myself for all this but what has happened has happened. I didn’t realize that babe was that kind of razz girl and am sorry for the embarrassment I caused. But at least you need to change your clothes and have a shower. Then we can discuss things”

Still no response. She didn’t move an inch but continued staring coldly at the TV screen. Then I dropped the vest near her and went to the kitchen. I returned ten minutes later to see her in my vest. I smiled. That’s a good sign.

She still had the cold look on her face so I sat quietly idling away on my phone. If there was one thing I had learnt from my frequent frolicking with girls, it’s that if you want a girl to come to you, you ignore or pretend to ignore her.

This time, it did not work.

She completely ignored me and continued staring at the screen without saying a word. Even the well-cooked plate of rice I placed before her was left untouched. At that point, I secretly wondered the wisdom of having her sleep in the same bed with me. Who knows what she could do?

Weirdly, that same still voice in me asked why I should not sleep on the same bed with her. After all the trouble, I might as well get some reward for my ‘troubles’. After hours of eerie silence, I stood up to go to bed.

I must have slept for less than an hour when I was awoken by the feel of Tina’s slipping into the bed beside me. My sense went into overdrive. Was I to try my luck or just let things slide?

With those boobs I was seeing, there was only one option. I knew however that before I could try anything, I had to clear the air on the episode earlier in the evening.

“Tina, I know you are really mad at me and you have every reason to be. It’s a mess and I feel really bad myself. How could I have known that that girl was such a low life area girl like that? I promise to make it up to you. Just overlook it.”

She didn’t move a muscle.

“Oya let me help you massage those muscles that the idiot strained.”

That seemed to do the trick as she then turned to face me and said;

“Don’t you dare come near me o. You are really really silly. You think this is a joke abi? Imagine the embarrassment and disgrace you gave me in front of everyone. All because of that low life bitch!”

She rambled on for the next thirty minutes whilst I kept trying to placate her. I threw in a few jokes at intervals to lighten her mood and after a while, everything seemed normal and after telling her how the old men in my area were staring at her boobs, we both laughed. I then stood up, microwaved her food and brought same to the room.

After eating and gisting a while more, she said

“Let me go and sleep abeg. See you tomorrow”.Then she turned to face the wall and started playing with her phone.

Whilst I am not one to give up easily, I did not try to push my luck and turned to my side of the bed to sleep. I was satisfied that we were talking again. Sleep did not come quick so I picked up my phone and started fiddling with it. Some minutes later, a sms came in. i wondered who it was that would be sending me a text message at that time of the day.

I opened the message. It was from Funke. It read;

“Shebi you are still with that whore? Just know that it’s over between us. Don’t ever call me or come to my house again. Dey your lane!”

“Before nko? Abeg delete my number!” I pressed the send button.

About five minutes later, another sms came in. I was beginning to be irritated by Funke. I opened the sms. It was from Tina. It read;

“Seems my laps are feeling sore. I think I need that massage now."

I smiled. Game on!


Thursday, May 02, 2019

Bachelor Life- Episode 4

I had totally forgotten I had given her my address. Who would have thought she would come to my house directly? 

My plan had been to pick her up from the bus stop close to my apartment. I silently prayed she would miss her way. Problem was that my house can easily be located and was only a stone’s throw from the Bus Stop.

Nervous and panicky, I quickly roused Funke and told her I had to go pick my mum who was visiting from the airport. She noticed my impatient nudging’s for her to leave quickly and asked;

“Na wa o. Why are you so much in a hurry? Are you pursuing me?”

“Noo nau. Not that. It’s just that her flight will land in 2o minutes and I am late already.” I replied.

“So when are we seeing again?” (Which kain babe be dis na? we say make you go, you dey ask when we go see).

“Don’t worry. We‘ll see before the week runs out. I even want to take you to the movies. There’s this movie I want you to watch. I lied.

‘Ok. Am set. Let’s go’, she replied reluctantly.

My phone rang again and I checked the caller; it was Tina yet again. This time, she kept calling continually. I knew she must be pretty close by. I didn’t and couldn’t pick the call.

“Pick your call na, ” Funke said staring at the ringing phone.

“It’s my oga at work. I know why he is calling. I don’t want to pick or cut the call,” I lied yet again.

As we left my apartment, I did not bother locking the door. By now, I was basically a bundle of nerves. I could not think straight.

 I quickly mustered a silent desperate prayer to God to spare me from the impending embarrassment in return for which I would attend church the coming Sunday (I had not been in church for six months).

Unfortunately, it seemed like the heavens were pretty much angered towards me because immediately we set foot on my street, we bumped into Tina.

“Shola, what’s all this na? I‘ve been calling and pinging you since. Haba. You just left me stranded since. Didn’t you see all my missed calls and bb messages?’ Tina fumed immediately she set eyes on me completely ignoring Funke standing beside me.

‘Tina! Tina Watsup? so sorry. I wasn’t with my phone. Em..just gimme a minute, lemme walk my friend.’

“So what should I do? Just stand in the middle of nowhere while you finish with your friend?" she asked, eyeing Funke contemptuously and still fuming with rage. (There’s this thing with girls when they get angry. They just seem to lose all sense of reasoning)

“Chill na. I said am coming. I‘ll join you in the next five minutes. That’s my house. The door is open, You can go and wait for me. I‘ll join you soon”. I said pointing at the door to my apartment.

 Then I turned to Funke whose face was clearly boiling and before I could say anything, she seethed in a loud voice:

“Who are you walking away? Don’t you dare!!! Don’t you dare come near me!!!”

She was basically screaming now and her voice had started attracting a few passersby.

“So this is who you are? Is this your mum that you want to go pick at the airport abi? So you‘ve been lying and pretending abi? I just knew something was fishy. So you were rushing me out of your house because of this low life cheap prostitute? abi," she bellowed.

Things were beginning to get out of hand and I could notice a few of my neighbors peeping from their windows.

 Being a quiet environment, I was sure that with the way Funke was screaming, it would be a matter of seconds before a full blown scene would be created. 

Whilst I was still thinking of the words to say in response to Funke and how to handle the situation,  I heard a loud sound; Tina had landed Funke a heavy slap; the type typically given by mobile policemen and soldiers; accompanied by the question;

“Who are you calling a prostitute?”

Staggering and not in a mood to reply Tina with words, Funke didn’t seem to be fazed by Tina’s obvious size superiority to her and had responded to Tina  with two slaps while I just stood and watched; rooted to the spot in shock.

Despite Funke’s rather small stature, she had always had this fiery and feisty side to her. Her Olympic boxing champion styled slap cum blows to Tina’s face must have made Floyd Mayweather green with envy.

 It not only resulted in Tina wobbling and stumbling away, it also ensured her bag and phone were flung in different directions.

By now, a large crowd had gathered. (Who wouldn’t want to see two girls fighting in public?)Rather weirdly, no one made any attempt to separate the feuding divas.

 Overcoming my initial shock, I decided it was time to end the madness. I approached Funke to try and stop her from landing further blows but I could see her eyes were blazing with rage. She seemed rather stronger than usual and pushed me away with the ferocity of someone possessed shouting:

‘Leave me! Leave me! Let me teach this bitch a lesson!”

By now, Tina had gathered herself and braced herself for the final onslaught. Eyes beaming with rage and vengeance, she charged forward towards Funke who was also ready to show she was not a push over.

Then all hell was let loose....

To be continued

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