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Friday, April 12, 2019

Bachelor Life (Episode 2)


I was jolted out of my self-imposed reverie by a knock on my door that I had now become all too familiar with. That has to be Funke. Problem is I wasn’t expecting her and I just didn’t want her around that time. Any other time was fine, but not today. Today was all about Tina, no other person. I was expecting Tina to hit my crib.

 The last we had spoken, she had told me she was in the cab to my place but was stuck in traffic.
I had mentally calculated the distance from Ojota where she was coming from and my place, and realized that plus or minus, within 45 minutes to an hour max she would get to my place.

The last thing I needed was Funke being around. Having Tina come around was another story entirely. Let’s just say a lot of money, time, poetry and energy had gone into this venture. If you wonder why I had gone to that length to get her to come over, a brief description of her physical features will convince you. That description has to wait though ‘cos I‘ve got a more pressing problem:

Sweating, worried and confused, I asked;
“Who is that?
‘Funke’ came the reply.

Damn! My worst fears confirmed. But she did not call before coming! I cursed under my breath. I had to think of something. I cannot have Funke come around and spoil the best laid plans.

Funke was a lady I had met in the bus on one of those days I had decided not to drive down to the office. Traffic that week had been hellish and I had decided to take the quicker and easier route of taking public bus.
Funke sat beside me in the bus from CMS to Stadium; from there I was to connect to my crib. Work had been stressful and to ease my pain and distract me from the  heat generated by the slow moving traffic, I scrolled through the videos on my phone and started  watching ‘Pacific Rim’, a movie I had saved earlier on my phone and did not notice her beside me.

Five minutes into the trip and apparently feeling inconvenienced by her sitting position, she beckoned on me and I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“Can you please shift a little?” she asked.

I took out my earphones and quickly did a scan of this person ‘disturbing’ me and making me pause my movie. The scan result came back good. The hips were a pure piece of art. Even in her sitting position, the leggings she had on did very little to hide the superbly sculptured behind she was backing. I gladly obliged. Stupidly though, I didn’t capitalize on that opportunity to start a conversation.

For the remainder of the journey, my brain went into overdrive trying to get the perfect opportunity to start a conversation with her.
Unfortunately, I just could not think of anything. I silently prayed that she would not get down before the final bus stop where I would alight.

My prayer was answered (I thought someone said the prayer of a sinner was an abomination to God…issh!) We both got down at the last bus stop and if her voluptuousness was noticeable from her sitting position, then seeing her fully stand not only made me respect God’s artistry on her, it also made my WMD (Weapon of Mass Destruction) give a ‘21 gun salute’.
‘Controlled’ by sight without any obvious strategy to strike a conversation, I walked up to her and simply said;

Seems you are going my way, can I tag along?”

She looked at me and her look of disgust was palpable. She hissed and walked away from me briskly.
The feel of embarrassment was unbelievable. I could notice the telling stares and smiles on the faces of people nearby who had seen me walk up to her and her subsequent reaction. I had to save face. I then remarked audibly.

‘Ok. Later now!’ A pretentious call and I briskly walked away silently cursing my luck.

Within a few hours, I had forgotten about Funke. Aided by the European Champions league match I watched that evening and a local dish I had bought from an eatery on my way home, I had unconsciously consigned the afternoon’s experience as one of those not so memorable ‘hunting expeditions’.

A good night's sleep and I was out early for work the next morning.
I started out towards the bus stop to get a vehicle to work and had barely walked for fiveminutes, when I basically bumped into Funke; the same lady who embarrassed me the day before. This time I was never going to allow her slip from my hands. I realized I had to up my game;

Game on!


On sighting Funke, I immediately remembered it was the same girl who had ignored me the previous day. Our eyes locked and after a few secondsof staring at each other, she looked away and smiled. (Correct! good sign).
“So thanks for embarrassing me in public yesterday. I only wanted to be a friend you know?”
For a few seconds, it seemed she was torn between deciding to walk away and replying me. She chose the latter;

“How did I embarrass you?” she asked trying to sound and look disinterested.
“Anyways, it doesn’t matter. My name is Shola.’

“Funke’ she replied curtly. (Playing hard to get eh?)
 “Madam relax nau. Am only trying to make a conversation here. I don’t plan to take you from your boyfie na.”

She laughed. (First line of defense broken).
"Very funny. Well, am also making a conversation. Just don’t like players and guys stalking me in the streets’, she replied.
"Eh ya. Am sorry. First; I am not a player. Second, I only wanted to get to meet you and didn’t know how I could if I didn’t approach you then. Still I apologize.” I said using my most ‘phonetised’ English.

"Hmmm. Ok o. Am taking my bus here’. She said stopping at some point at the bus stop.
Ok. Can I have your phone number and BB pin? I asked.
“Here…08023.”(lemme keep the number secret ‘cos of some sharp guys).

"Am not giving you my pin. Call me first. You have to earn the pin.” She said with a smile, then hopped on the next available bus.
Four nights later after regular calls and bbm chats (oh! I sure did earn the pin), she was in my house. I opened the door to see Funke looking as sexy as sexy can get, she was a different girl from the girl I saw four days before.

The girl I saw was cute and sexy; the girl before me was bad ass!

Her cologne smelt nice and she wore a rather tight skirt which really accentuated her curves. It seemed like my WMD also noticed her beauty as it started acting uncontrollably. Only my excuse of getting her a drink and subsequent ‘adjusting’ made the stupid thing stop from embarrassing me further...

  To be continued

 By Ayoks (Courtesy

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