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Monday, April 22, 2019

Bachelor Life -Episode 3

After entertaining her with the baddest shawama in my area along with a cool can of malt drink, I knew I had to ‘do it’ tonight. One rule of the game- you hit it the first or maximum second visit or you can as well forget it. The problem I faced was how to get her to come to my room. Under the guise of showing her around my crib, I invited her to my room to show her around. She simply stood at the door refusing to join me on the bed where I had now nestled myself. Then she went back to the sitting room.

(Stubborn geh)
I was not to be deterred. If Ali does not go to the mountain, the mountain will go to Ali. I went to
where she sat.

I started by playing with her hair. She didn’t stop me so I got encouraged and became bolder.  Then the first hug which was cut short by her pushing me away.

‘What’s wrong with you? What's with all this you are doing?’ she said looking straight at me.
Then I moved closer to her while touching her thighs and acting like I did not hear a word of her earlier protest.

Hope you had a nice day today?’ I asked. Poor question but I just had to distract her from noticing the ‘actions’ being performed by my fingers.

‘Yeah’ Funke replied, looking suspicious.

 ‘You know I love you so much?’ I asked becoming a little desperate while smiling and sweating at the same time, my WMD already beginning to charge.

Funke noticed this and moved further back on the settees. ‘Ya I know. But don’t you think this is too early? You need to stop this or I will go.’ (Go where?)

How? Why would you want me to stop? I want you. I love you’ (At this stage, I could have said I loved Osama!), my sense of reasoning controlled by my rising libido.

“But we just met four days ago and you are beginning to ask for that what you want from me?’ (You should expect this from me dear; after all I am not impotent!).

Realizing I am beginning to lose the game slowly, I knew I had to raise my game.
“Not what you think sweetheart” (This time I adopt the love poet approach the love poet approach and the sweet lies follow).

“You are the only girl in my life and I will never hurt you. Well, if you don’t want it then its ok by me’ (Na lie! What is ok? You must do o. This line almost always works!)

Looking at me pitifully, she said softly; ‘Please don’t feel sad, it’s not that I don’t love you, is just that am scared’. At this point, I decided there was no need for words anymore.

 Somehow, I can’t explain how I found my fingers in between her thighs. I prodded further and felt wetness between her legs. (Game on! Second line of defense broken).

I knew I had succeeded, with one finger still ‘prodding’ her thighs, I started kissing her. Before long and seeing her responsiveness to my moves, I lifted her up whilst still kissing her, took her to my ‘Maracana stadium’ (my room, where else?), gently placed her on the bed, unzipped my fly and unleashed the ‘Krakon’.


I still remember the very first time I had sex with Funke. It felt really good.
Problem was that with every more round of sex I had with her, the desire for her reduced. The ‘over regularity’ of our ‘sexcapades’ coupled with the fact that she lived in my area and was always coming over to my crib for sex, meant I stopped looking forward to the sex.

I had read somewhere about guys possessing one hormone which naturally reduces his desire for a girl he regularly has sex with. I think that hormone was particularly active in me with regards to Funke’s.

These days, perhaps noticing my reluctance to meet with her anytime she asked to come over and see me, Funke had developed a knack for coming over to my house without notice. Aided by the fact that she knew when I was home because I usually drove past her house on my way home from work, she would just show up at my door knocking and banging the door like we shared the same flat.

I had decided I would tell her off and strongly resist that habit. Problem is the erection I get every time I saw her always ensured I forgot about any other thing than tapping her ass.
Today was different.

Today, Tina was coming and I was not ready for anyone to spoil my plans. I had arranged and agreed with Tina to have her stay for the night and I had to get Funke out of that place or everything becomes complicated. No stories. I am telling her off this time!

I opened the door and saw Funke in the tightest seductive mini skirt I had ever seen. She also wore a tube that was so tight it made her boobs look like they would pop out at any minute.
If her dressing got me aroused, then her next few words after she stepped into my apartment got my joystick charging;

"You ehn! You‘ve been avoiding me for some days abi. Well you are not running anywhere today. I am not letting you go till I screw your brains out today."
Immediately two streams of thought went to war in my head; one told me to get Funke out of my crib before Tina came. Another one told me to give her the screw of her life and call Tina to reschedule.
From nowhere, a third one told me to have the best of both worlds- ‘screw Funke before Tina arrives’. I agreed with this rather innovative line of thought and quickly decided to go with the third line of thinking.

Without saying a word and without locking the door, I reached out for my wallet, retrieved the condom I had inside and rushed Funke like a sex starved ex-convict just released from prison.
With one swift movement, I gently pushed her to turn and face the wall. She promptly went with the flow and stamped her hands against the wall whilst she separated her legs wider for easier ‘entry.’


A quick glance at my wrist watch, some minutes later and I realized it would be about 10 or so minutes before Tina would show up. Then I noticed the blinking of my Blackberry phone across the room on my table and got the feeling Tonia would have called. I strolled to pick it up and my feeling was confirmed. I saw three missed calls and series of BBM messages from Tina;

“Am in Ojuelegba now.”
“I have gotten to Surulere. PING!!!”
“y aren’t you replying? I ve also been calling you nau”
 “Am just standing in the bus stop looking like a fool.”

“Where are you? Are you home? Should I just try and locate your place?”

‘Am on my way, I ‘ll try and locate it”
“Where are you? Are you home? Should I just try and locate your place?
“Call me immediately you get this”
I checked the phone again and realized the last message had hit my phone like 5 minutes before and judging by the distance between my house and the bus stop, I knew she would get to my crib anytime soon.
Shit! Shit!!Shit!!!

To be continued

Friday, April 12, 2019

Bachelor Life (Episode 2)


I was jolted out of my self-imposed reverie by a knock on my door that I had now become all too familiar with. That has to be Funke. Problem is I wasn’t expecting her and I just didn’t want her around that time. Any other time was fine, but not today. Today was all about Tina, no other person. I was expecting Tina to hit my crib.

 The last we had spoken, she had told me she was in the cab to my place but was stuck in traffic.
I had mentally calculated the distance from Ojota where she was coming from and my place, and realized that plus or minus, within 45 minutes to an hour max she would get to my place.

The last thing I needed was Funke being around. Having Tina come around was another story entirely. Let’s just say a lot of money, time, poetry and energy had gone into this venture. If you wonder why I had gone to that length to get her to come over, a brief description of her physical features will convince you. That description has to wait though ‘cos I‘ve got a more pressing problem:

Sweating, worried and confused, I asked;
“Who is that?
‘Funke’ came the reply.

Damn! My worst fears confirmed. But she did not call before coming! I cursed under my breath. I had to think of something. I cannot have Funke come around and spoil the best laid plans.

Funke was a lady I had met in the bus on one of those days I had decided not to drive down to the office. Traffic that week had been hellish and I had decided to take the quicker and easier route of taking public bus.
Funke sat beside me in the bus from CMS to Stadium; from there I was to connect to my crib. Work had been stressful and to ease my pain and distract me from the  heat generated by the slow moving traffic, I scrolled through the videos on my phone and started  watching ‘Pacific Rim’, a movie I had saved earlier on my phone and did not notice her beside me.

Five minutes into the trip and apparently feeling inconvenienced by her sitting position, she beckoned on me and I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“Can you please shift a little?” she asked.

I took out my earphones and quickly did a scan of this person ‘disturbing’ me and making me pause my movie. The scan result came back good. The hips were a pure piece of art. Even in her sitting position, the leggings she had on did very little to hide the superbly sculptured behind she was backing. I gladly obliged. Stupidly though, I didn’t capitalize on that opportunity to start a conversation.

For the remainder of the journey, my brain went into overdrive trying to get the perfect opportunity to start a conversation with her.
Unfortunately, I just could not think of anything. I silently prayed that she would not get down before the final bus stop where I would alight.

My prayer was answered (I thought someone said the prayer of a sinner was an abomination to God…issh!) We both got down at the last bus stop and if her voluptuousness was noticeable from her sitting position, then seeing her fully stand not only made me respect God’s artistry on her, it also made my WMD (Weapon of Mass Destruction) give a ‘21 gun salute’.
‘Controlled’ by sight without any obvious strategy to strike a conversation, I walked up to her and simply said;

Seems you are going my way, can I tag along?”

She looked at me and her look of disgust was palpable. She hissed and walked away from me briskly.
The feel of embarrassment was unbelievable. I could notice the telling stares and smiles on the faces of people nearby who had seen me walk up to her and her subsequent reaction. I had to save face. I then remarked audibly.

‘Ok. Later now!’ A pretentious call and I briskly walked away silently cursing my luck.

Within a few hours, I had forgotten about Funke. Aided by the European Champions league match I watched that evening and a local dish I had bought from an eatery on my way home, I had unconsciously consigned the afternoon’s experience as one of those not so memorable ‘hunting expeditions’.

A good night's sleep and I was out early for work the next morning.
I started out towards the bus stop to get a vehicle to work and had barely walked for fiveminutes, when I basically bumped into Funke; the same lady who embarrassed me the day before. This time I was never going to allow her slip from my hands. I realized I had to up my game;

Game on!


On sighting Funke, I immediately remembered it was the same girl who had ignored me the previous day. Our eyes locked and after a few secondsof staring at each other, she looked away and smiled. (Correct! good sign).
“So thanks for embarrassing me in public yesterday. I only wanted to be a friend you know?”
For a few seconds, it seemed she was torn between deciding to walk away and replying me. She chose the latter;

“How did I embarrass you?” she asked trying to sound and look disinterested.
“Anyways, it doesn’t matter. My name is Shola.’

“Funke’ she replied curtly. (Playing hard to get eh?)
 “Madam relax nau. Am only trying to make a conversation here. I don’t plan to take you from your boyfie na.”

She laughed. (First line of defense broken).
"Very funny. Well, am also making a conversation. Just don’t like players and guys stalking me in the streets’, she replied.
"Eh ya. Am sorry. First; I am not a player. Second, I only wanted to get to meet you and didn’t know how I could if I didn’t approach you then. Still I apologize.” I said using my most ‘phonetised’ English.

"Hmmm. Ok o. Am taking my bus here’. She said stopping at some point at the bus stop.
Ok. Can I have your phone number and BB pin? I asked.
“Here…08023.”(lemme keep the number secret ‘cos of some sharp guys).

"Am not giving you my pin. Call me first. You have to earn the pin.” She said with a smile, then hopped on the next available bus.
Four nights later after regular calls and bbm chats (oh! I sure did earn the pin), she was in my house. I opened the door to see Funke looking as sexy as sexy can get, she was a different girl from the girl I saw four days before.

The girl I saw was cute and sexy; the girl before me was bad ass!

Her cologne smelt nice and she wore a rather tight skirt which really accentuated her curves. It seemed like my WMD also noticed her beauty as it started acting uncontrollably. Only my excuse of getting her a drink and subsequent ‘adjusting’ made the stupid thing stop from embarrassing me further...

  To be continued

 By Ayoks (Courtesy

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