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Monday, February 27, 2017

Finding Hubby (10)

Reminiscent of when we met for the first time on the plane, it was the voice that drew me out of my reverie. I opened my eyes and sure enough, Yomi was seated on the stone bench right beside me. How he had found me, I couldn’t phantom. God, I loved him. Even knowing what I knew, with him seating just a few inches from me, I wanted to do nothing more than reach out and hold him in my arms.

This heart en, I will never understand how it works. My head was saying all the right things to make me loathe him, that he deceived me, that he could never love me cos I was a woman, that I could never be happy with him and that I should hate him with all my being.

 My mind even brought up the picture of him and Adamu replayed like some picture by MopeBob, vivid and clear. But in spite of all my head was saying, my heart was steadfastly, stupidly refusing to listen. The moment I saw him, I melted like butter, sigh! (I see you rolling your eyes now, just don’t let it fall out).

“Yomi, how did you find me?”

“You always come here to run away. It didn’t take long to figure out where you were when you were unreachable and not at home.”

I had totally forgotten that Yomi and I used this place for getaways. All he needed to do was make a phone call and he woulda found me. But I didn’t think he would be looking for me.

“So why did you find me? I thought I was going to call you later”.

He placed a hand on mine and looked me in the eye. My heart did a flip (this my gymnast of a heart en).

“Oyin, we both know that whatever decision you are going to make is already made. So rather than wait for a call, I came to get it first hand from you now”.

My palms became sweaty “Yomi, I, I, I,” I stammered.

He moved closer, “You haven’t made one yet? Then make one now,” he cut in.

What kind of tactic is this? I looked into his eyes squarely. I knew what I was going to do. I decided to marry Yomi.

  *** Yes, I decided to marry Yomi. After all, people knowingly marry people who decided to be drug pushers, thieving politicians and all the kinds of thieves and bad men within that wide range of bad-man-ism, and even help them keep the secret. My reasoning (which I came to conclusion of without mumsy in my head) was that I’d just be marrying a man who had made a choice to be something and help him cover up. Omerta. Really no different ba?

Once the decision had been made, everything went into full swing hyper crazy extra super drive and you can guess who the driver of all that was. We had four grades of Aso Ebi, and the cheapest was twenty five thousand naira. This was the big people’s wedding, and you can go and dye your hair green if you couldn’t afford our aso ebi. The most expensive one was one mint green and burnt orange Swiss Voile lace like that. It cost five hundred thousand naira.

Since I knew what was up, I decided to spend Yomi’s money well, with two hands, on this wedding. I changed my gown to a Mai Atafo gown, all chosen specially and hand fitted by the bobo himself. My coral bead choker alone for the engagement cost a million Naira. And he didn’t hesitate to spend.

He pulled all the stops, signed the cheques and went to town. His mum commented that she had never seen him that happy, ever. Of course no one else knew why he was that happy, everyone thought I was the source of his joy. Toke was of course my chief bridesmaid and Adamu was playing that role for Yomi. I tend to imagine him in my head as a bridesmaid and not the bestman. And I noticed Toke kept him at an arm’s length after what she knew. I chose not to be bothered.

The engagement was a blast. I remember the cows. They turned into a mini tourist attraction, so big that people were taking pictures with the cows and using them as DPs all over. They spawned all sorts of funny broadcasts; you know the kind that goes on for months until they’re no longer funny. Every major blog had photographers at the event. My official photographer was the hottest new one in town, the rave of the moment, Ogheneworo Akara.

The alaga was Madam Kofo herself. She keyed into the mood the families were, the spending mode, and made herself tons of money, milking Yomi and friends well. Imagine, at some point, she even said that I was coming in a plane and that they had to drop fuel money and they know plane fuel is costlier than car fuel. So they dropped plenty money. Then when I was halfway out, she said the fuel finished and the plane was crashing. They had to drop even more money to save it from crashing and refueling the “plane” midair.

I can give you all the juicy details but let me move forward, en. So the engagement was done and we went to our hotels. Everything was going smoothly with the event, and in a perfect world, I had just had the perfect engagement. But that night, I had to numb the fears I was having with generous doses of alcohol in order to sleep and go through with the next day.

Wedding day came and Toke woke me up as early as 5am. The entourage came into the room right after her and so began my roller coaster preparation to transform me from the mortal called Oyin to a goddess simply known as Bride. The whole operation took three hours of intensive work from the combined team of makeup lady, tailor and hair stylist. The small ringlets under my eyes from last night’s alcohol bout were gone.

As my uncle walked me down the aisle, I decided to immerse myself in the wedding, enjoy the moment and not think of the marriage after (I believe a good number of women do this). Wedding was going smoothly and my heart was at its gymnastic best, I was really going through with it. I was going to be Mrs. Oyin Kester-Jacobs.

The preacher asked the customary “Is there anyone here who has any reason why this couple may not be joined together? Speak now or forever hold your peace”, in a jocular manner. He was about to move to the next bit when a strong voice came from the back of the church auditorium.

 “I do. These two should not be joined.” A hush ran over the congregation and all eyes turned in the direction from which the voice had come. Yomi spun around, a crazed look on his face as he saw who it was. I didn’t need to turn. I knew that voice as well as if I had looked at his face. It was a voice I knew too well. It was Ossy.

Haltingly, the pastor asked him what his reasons were.

“I will not allow my friend to go into this sham.” As he spoke, Yomi’s security detail began to move towards him. But he was prepared. As they got to him, and were shutting him up, Gloria stood up as if they had rehearsed the scene and picked up where her husband stopped “Yomi is gay, and the marriage is just arrangy, a sham. I will not stand by and let Oyin make this mistake”. Everyone turned and stared at us, as if waiting for Yomi to say how silly all this was so the wedding could continue. It was like live Jerry Springer show.

I got the shock of my life. Yomi spoke up angrily, facing his mum as if all his anger was directed at her. “And what if I’m gay? I’m tired of living trapped in the closet. I am gay and from today on, I will be proud of it and live in the open. I’m tired of all this.” People just sat where they were, as if transfixed. Then he said scornfully, “You can all go home now, there’ll be no Mrs. Kester-Jacobs today!”

It was then I turned around and screamed.

To be continued

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Finding Hubby (9)

My Yomi was making love to Adamu on the office table!
I stood there, jaw dropped all the way to the ground. Even with all the racing of my imagination, this scenario had not occurred once. I had imagined rushing into the room and throwing a huge tantr

um and even throwing the girl out in her underwear. I had imagined pulling her hair. Scratching her face. Slapping her silly. I had imagined doing many other things to her. But this was not a her. It was a he, the he I had been trying to hook my best friend with just a few hours ago. 

For about five more minutes, they didn’t notice anyone had come in, lost in their perverted bliss. Then he opened his eyes and saw me. I expected to see fear, to see alarm that he had been discovered, but instead I saw a calm that sent a chill down my spine.

He calmly disentangled himself from Adamu and stood before me. I still couldn’t utter a word. Still naked, he sat in his office chair. Adamu could not be bothered by my presence. He just lay there, a content and satisfied look on his face.

“So you have found out my little secret a little earlier than I intended. You were supposed to discover this after we were through with the wedding, but since you have found out now, I might as well lay all the cards on the table”. 

He spoke like we were in his office for a business meeting, not like I had two naked men in there. I screamed “Yomi! Little secret? How could you do this to me? How?” I broke down crying loudly as I crumpled to the ground. My legs simply gave way beneath me.

“You need to stop the hysterics and listen to me with the rational part of your mind and then carefully consider what I’m about to say before you make a decision.” 

My crying pattered down to sobs and I looked to him to hear what he was gonna say. My angel of light had just transformed into the darkest demon from the pit of hell. And he was so calm.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Finding Hubby (8)

On Saturday morning, I decided to check on Gloria and squeeze breakfast out of her lazy ass. I thought I was through with shockers in this my life, but I got a huge one as I rounded the bend into her street. 

There was my yellow pawpaw (fair skinned) friend, leaning over a car I was very familiar with and kissing the occupant squarely on the lips. The car drove past mine as I tried to park properly, and it was gone before I got out of my car.

“Gloria, what was that you were doing with Ossy?”

Gloria gave me a look that said en en and then fired: “Question! What did it seem like I was doing?”

“But Glo, it’s Ossy now. You cannot be seriously seeing him now. It’s just wrong on different levels.”

“Why? Tell me one reason why? It’s not like you are dating him or like you ever did. Now that you’ve found you a good man, na only you wan marry? Me I didn’t see anything bad in Ossy, and so I called him up. 

We hooked up, and he shared his own heartbreak and I shared mine. And one thing led to another. What exactly is wrong about dating a very single man who seems ready to settle down and is seriously talking marriage at my 36 years old?”

“Glo, seriously talking marriage after how long now? He was seriously thinking marriage with me just a few weeks ago. It smells fishy o”

“So it smells fishy because it’s not you abi? Please spare me abeg!”

I just stood speechless because I knew she was in the right with everything she was saying, but a certain 'but' kept playing at the back of my mind. It just didn’t sit right. In that split second, I had to caution myself.

 Was I expecting Ossy to keep waiting for me ni? And shouldn’t I have been happy for him when I expected him to be happy for me when he met Yomi? And it wasn’t really worth quarreling with Gloria over. Really not.

“Oya sorry dear, na just shock catch me,” I said, smiling at Gloria. I could see she was visibly relieved that I wasn’t going to make issues out of this situation.

“Since man sleep for your house, I hope you cooked for him because me na food I come chop for your house.”

“Yes now, I had to show him I’m wife material now!”

“En, and I know it’s not just in the cooking you showed him, oya gist me every thing abeg.”

She threw her head back and laughed. It was good to see my friend laugh. “You know that thing Toke said about Bini men…”

I winked and laughed too. “Dem no dey carry last at all at all!”

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Finding Hubby (7)

I got back from Dubai five days later, with my man. Now that’s the sweetest thing to say. Me, Oyin omo Clegg that left Lagos manless, am returning with a man, and a heck hunk of a man.

 I wish I would run into that Moroti again now, so I could smugly answer all her snide questions, but fate would not have it so. And you know, the sweetest thing about Yomi is that all through our stay in Dubai, he didn’t ask for sex (even though I was hoping he would #evilgrin#).

 He wanted to prove to me that it was not just a holiday/business trip fling he wanted. So he told me that we would save the real deal (yes, there were other things I shall keep only to myself) until much later. 

Men, o ti ba mi seriously for this guy. It felt like I’d known him for more than the few days we had spent in Dubai. We had connected on so many levels. The trip had been so much fun, and he had spoilt me silly, shopping, spa treatments, exotic meals et al. 

These days sha, I have toned down on the dreaming (wisely so, after my last set of experiences), so I had not started imagining us walking down any aisle or dancing to 'Chop My Money' at our wedding reception.


For the first time when I was returning from outside, I didn’t notice the Naija heat as we stepped out of the plane. I practically waltzed to the arrival lounge to wait for my luggage. I couldn’t be bothered that the air-conditioning wasn’t working there.

 Yomi guided me away from the conveyor belt. “We don’t have to wait dear. My people will sort the luggage out and deliver it to your house”. See levels o! Lol. This was the life men. I couldn’t wait to fill my girls in on my trip. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

Finding Hubby (6)

I could not even drink myself to sleep that night. No alcohol could numb my pain and I spent a large part of the night re-enacting the evening in my head and adding all sorts of evil things I should have done to Femi as he left.

 I could not pull myself together to go to work the next day and quickly sent an sms 
to my boss to allow me take the day off. I stumbled around my house in just my underwear, picking things up, arranging things. 

I had Adele’s 21 album 
on repeat. Talk about setting the mood. Men, Femi hit me way-way below the belt. I had mumutized big time.

It was 8:30am 
when my phone rang. I didn’t bother to pick the phone, I didn’t want to talk to anyone that day. The phone rang a few more times, and I let it ring out. 

Then my other phone rang, and I knew it had to be someone real close, 
since few people had that number. I stumble-walked into the room from where I stood in the parlour and checked the caller id. It was Ossy. I picked the call and put the phone on speaker as I flopped onto the bed.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Finding Hubby (5)

When I turned, Femi had stood up to tower above me, and I found myself searching desperately for something to say. He relished the effect he was having on me and something warned me that this was not the sweet Femi of yesteryears; that he had grown harder and wiser in the ways of the world.

 Then he smiled and said, “I have missed you Oyin. Ten years, and I’m still single, still without a woman because I carried you into every relationship I had.” 

What! Alleluia. Somebody say glory! Let the angels proclaim! His words were music to my ears. I was expecting harsh words, but he had opened up to me like this. Oh, I’m gonna make it up to you Femi, I’m going to meet your every need, be your every comfort and we will never be apart again.

I covered the distance between us in a single stride and held him in my arms (I’m proactive). “Oh God,” I cooed to him, “I’ve missed you so much. I’m still single too (had to let him know quickly that I was available too o), no one else could do, no one else could take your place, absolutely no one. I’m so sorry for…”

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Finding Hubby (4)

I didn’t go anywhere on Saturday; the activities of the night before had worn me out. On depressing occasions like that, I get the inspiration to write poetry. 

Yes, Oyin is a poet. One of these days, if you guys ask me enough, I’ll read some of my poems to you. So the day dragged on until evening when my girls came over. 

Gloria and I reached a compromise. I did get a guy as hot as Kalu’s Koikoi, so I could claim the iPad. But the guy turned out to be a gigolo (ewww) so she could claim my shoes. 

So I wasn’t going to get the iPad, as long as she didn’t come within a one meter radius of my shoes (like that would happen in this lifetime and beyond). 

They basically did what they came for – Eat my food, drink my wine, scatter my house, talk about men, abuse men, long for men, and leave with my stuff.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Finding Hubby (3)

Gloria sent me a BBM that they were leaving The Marquee for Aura. It read “Off to Aura. Enjoy en, and be ready to spill all the details. You’ve gotten the iPad, but I’ll still get dem shoes. #bbdevilsmiley#”. 

Ha! I was so keeping my shoes in some bank vault. But I knew it was an effort in futility, because if Gloria wanted them, she would organize a bank heist to get them.

 So I was going to tow the line of making available to her anytime she needed them, so that I didn’t lose the shoes altogether.

Anyways, back to the present. I was enjoying all the shaking what my mama gave me and movement with Mr. X. Men.

 The guy could really move and he had a way of working me into the most desirable positions for body melding dancing.

The d-jay had done a good job of whipping the whole club into a frenzy and now we were getting doses of Terry G and all the Naija ginger movement boys. 

Visions of the expertise with which he could handle my body raced through my mind and I worked fervently hard to make sure I gave him enough reason to want to.

 Kalu and Koikoi could go and hug a transformer for all I cared. After what seemed like hours of rollercoaster dancing, he finally put his arms firmly around me and led me towards the hall, and then the exit.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Amaebi Fashion House sizzles at #Valentine

Bold, bright colours marked the special Valentine collection rolled out recently by top city clothier Amaebi Fashion to mark this year's valentine season. 
With the theme, 'Valentine speaks Africana,' the collection, according to the CEO of Amaebi Fashion, Lagos, Ms Ibiba Don Pedro, is an African inspired Valentine that shows the essence of the celebration which is about giving, sharing, forgiving and inspiring.

 As she noted in a chat: "We are a communal people and so Valentine is not simply a boy meets girl story. It's a family affair, children are welcome too.
It's also about giving, sharing, forgiving, inspiring. It's about us, our fabrics, our designs including those we borrowed through our colonial experience and now made completely ours. 

And the celebration is not just for one day or one night but to last through the year. These are the values and mores behind Amaebi as a Clothing brand too.
The colours for the season are just us, loud, lively bold- reds, hot pinks, mixed with blues, greens, black and white, wine in addition to plenty of cream and wine!"

The colourful collection features outfits for adults and children in vibrant hues that reflect the mood of the season of love.

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

Finding Hubby (2)

(To read the Part 1 of this story, please click here

I quickly gathered myself together and smiled very charmingly, hoping to disarm him.

 “Hi Kalu”, I said. I was expecting him to go into a series of questions accusing me of lying to him and all, when she came up to him. 

Inside my inner mind, green envy began to sprout. Her skin was clear like she had someone following her around photoshoping her with each step she took. 

Abeg, when I see person wey pass me, I admit it. The girl was the kind that entered a room and all the men in the room stopped seeing every other girl in the room and became puppies all around her. 

She was addressing Kalu now, “Boo, I told you to hold up, I just had to say hi to my friend now.” The confirmation that Koikoi (yes, I gave her a name) was with Kalu and they were obviously intimate made the green monster in my heart leap.

 I felt a strong urge to punch him in the face, but I respected myself. Why anyway? What claim did I really have to Kalu?

The saying that something becomes more desirable when it’s not yours hit me square in the face. It was even more painful when I realised I was just “one of the options” Kalu had for the night. 

Then it dawned on me; Kalu had done the phone select, and I was one of the options that didn’t work for that Friday night. 

The saying, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you” is true o, because that I was on the receiving end, e pain me die.

(To read the Part 1 of this story, please click here

Sunday, February 05, 2017

Nene's Choice ( Finale)

During Zelinjo’s stay in hospital Nene finally moved all her belongings out of their matrimonial home.

After a short stint in the hospital, he recovered and was discharged but Zelinjo decided he was going to press charges for attempted murder of his wife.

He realised this could all work to his advantage if she was convicted and sent to prison. He could get new documents and repossess all of Nene’s assets, with a plan to dispose them off as quickly as possible.

Nene burst into hysterics at the irony of everything when she was served the summons and picked up by the police.

She was bailed by her parents and she arranged for a lawyer who would fight her case in court.

During the hearing, Nene provided all the evidence she had collected from her video and webcam recordings which she had stashed away safely precisely for such a time as this.

Her thinking proved to be fortuitous as all the charges brought against her were dropped since the evidence all showed Nene had acted in self-defence.

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Nene's Choice (10)

Over the next few days at her parents' home, Nene began to feel more like herself. Her parents continued to make a fuss over her, trying to draw her out of herself with a lot of local gist while plying her with so much food, the likes of which she never had time to prepare for herself due to work and other commitment.

It was always such fun visiting her parents; they really were a loving and devoted couple who doted on their kids.

Nene felt blessed to have such wonderful parents who never judged or forced their views on their children. They always gave them the space to spread their wings and to choose their own path in life.

Buoyed up by the love her parents were lavishing on their only daughter, Nene felt she was ready to make that final leap and tackle her current marital issues once and for all. 

She always dreamed of having a loving relationship similar to what her parents had but sadly this was not to be with Zelinjo.

Nene decided to go home and pack her things out of the house she once shared with Zel.

On arriving at her house, she noticed all the cars were parked in front of the house meaning Zel was probably at home. She did not feel like having a confrontation with him but she knew it was something she could not avoid.

She opened the door gently and stepped inside the living room, nearly bumping into her husband who was coming out of the kitchen and heading for a chair.
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