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Friday, April 12, 2019

Bachelor Life (Episode 2)


I was jolted out of my self-imposed reverie by a knock on my door that I had now become all too familiar with. That has to be Funke. Problem is I wasn’t expecting her and I just didn’t want her around that time. Any other time was fine, but not today. Today was all about Tina, no other person. I was expecting Tina to hit my crib.

 The last we had spoken, she had told me she was in the cab to my place but was stuck in traffic.
I had mentally calculated the distance from Ojota where she was coming from and my place, and realized that plus or minus, within 45 minutes to an hour max she would get to my place.

The last thing I needed was Funke being around. Having Tina come around was another story entirely. Let’s just say a lot of money, time, poetry and energy had gone into this venture. If you wonder why I had gone to that length to get her to come over, a brief description of her physical features will convince you. That description has to wait though ‘cos I‘ve got a more pressing problem:

Sweating, worried and confused, I asked;
“Who is that?
‘Funke’ came the reply.

Damn! My worst fears confirmed. But she did not call before coming! I cursed under my breath. I had to think of something. I cannot have Funke come around and spoil the best laid plans.

Funke was a lady I had met in the bus on one of those days I had decided not to drive down to the office. Traffic that week had been hellish and I had decided to take the quicker and easier route of taking public bus.
Funke sat beside me in the bus from CMS to Stadium; from there I was to connect to my crib. Work had been stressful and to ease my pain and distract me from the  heat generated by the slow moving traffic, I scrolled through the videos on my phone and started  watching ‘Pacific Rim’, a movie I had saved earlier on my phone and did not notice her beside me.

Five minutes into the trip and apparently feeling inconvenienced by her sitting position, she beckoned on me and I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“Can you please shift a little?” she asked.

I took out my earphones and quickly did a scan of this person ‘disturbing’ me and making me pause my movie. The scan result came back good. The hips were a pure piece of art. Even in her sitting position, the leggings she had on did very little to hide the superbly sculptured behind she was backing. I gladly obliged. Stupidly though, I didn’t capitalize on that opportunity to start a conversation.

For the remainder of the journey, my brain went into overdrive trying to get the perfect opportunity to start a conversation with her.
Unfortunately, I just could not think of anything. I silently prayed that she would not get down before the final bus stop where I would alight.

My prayer was answered (I thought someone said the prayer of a sinner was an abomination to God…issh!) We both got down at the last bus stop and if her voluptuousness was noticeable from her sitting position, then seeing her fully stand not only made me respect God’s artistry on her, it also made my WMD (Weapon of Mass Destruction) give a ‘21 gun salute’.
‘Controlled’ by sight without any obvious strategy to strike a conversation, I walked up to her and simply said;

Seems you are going my way, can I tag along?”

She looked at me and her look of disgust was palpable. She hissed and walked away from me briskly.
The feel of embarrassment was unbelievable. I could notice the telling stares and smiles on the faces of people nearby who had seen me walk up to her and her subsequent reaction. I had to save face. I then remarked audibly.

‘Ok. Later now!’ A pretentious call and I briskly walked away silently cursing my luck.

Within a few hours, I had forgotten about Funke. Aided by the European Champions league match I watched that evening and a local dish I had bought from an eatery on my way home, I had unconsciously consigned the afternoon’s experience as one of those not so memorable ‘hunting expeditions’.

A good night's sleep and I was out early for work the next morning.
I started out towards the bus stop to get a vehicle to work and had barely walked for fiveminutes, when I basically bumped into Funke; the same lady who embarrassed me the day before. This time I was never going to allow her slip from my hands. I realized I had to up my game;

Game on!


On sighting Funke, I immediately remembered it was the same girl who had ignored me the previous day. Our eyes locked and after a few secondsof staring at each other, she looked away and smiled. (Correct! good sign).
“So thanks for embarrassing me in public yesterday. I only wanted to be a friend you know?”
For a few seconds, it seemed she was torn between deciding to walk away and replying me. She chose the latter;

“How did I embarrass you?” she asked trying to sound and look disinterested.
“Anyways, it doesn’t matter. My name is Shola.’

“Funke’ she replied curtly. (Playing hard to get eh?)
 “Madam relax nau. Am only trying to make a conversation here. I don’t plan to take you from your boyfie na.”

She laughed. (First line of defense broken).
"Very funny. Well, am also making a conversation. Just don’t like players and guys stalking me in the streets’, she replied.
"Eh ya. Am sorry. First; I am not a player. Second, I only wanted to get to meet you and didn’t know how I could if I didn’t approach you then. Still I apologize.” I said using my most ‘phonetised’ English.

"Hmmm. Ok o. Am taking my bus here’. She said stopping at some point at the bus stop.
Ok. Can I have your phone number and BB pin? I asked.
“Here…08023.”(lemme keep the number secret ‘cos of some sharp guys).

"Am not giving you my pin. Call me first. You have to earn the pin.” She said with a smile, then hopped on the next available bus.
Four nights later after regular calls and bbm chats (oh! I sure did earn the pin), she was in my house. I opened the door to see Funke looking as sexy as sexy can get, she was a different girl from the girl I saw four days before.

The girl I saw was cute and sexy; the girl before me was bad ass!

Her cologne smelt nice and she wore a rather tight skirt which really accentuated her curves. It seemed like my WMD also noticed her beauty as it started acting uncontrollably. Only my excuse of getting her a drink and subsequent ‘adjusting’ made the stupid thing stop from embarrassing me further...

  To be continued

 By Ayoks (Courtesy

Sunday, March 31, 2019

Bachelor Life (Episode 1)

I sat on my sofa staring blankly at the screen.
A little tired, I had just finished seeing an American film titled ‘Bachelor’ and I couldn’t help but mentally slither through the whole concept of bachelorhood.

For the guys, nothing beats having that feel of freedom; freedom from parents, freedom from a nagging wife and freedom from commitments. No better phase in a guy’s life does he get all these than when he remains a bachelor.

Weirdly, being a bachelor has its perks and difficulties. The perks I will come to later but being a bachelor without them girls can easily be likened to being stuck alone in a desert with the feeling of everyone having gone on an outer space travel.

But if you are a bachelor and you have the control number of the girls, then one of the perks is having the world literally in your pocket.

Plus if you are a bachelor like me, a handsome lawyer with a sense of humor rivaling that of a comedian, intelligence like that of a nerd, a salary from an oil exploration company job enough to comfortably support a family of ten, an SUV car and an apartment in the most posh area in Surulere, Lagos, then the world isn’t just in your pocket, it stays in your pocket and is zipped in your pocket forever.

The feeling of empowerment and freedom was enjoyable enough for me to ignore the many pressures from the different quarters in my family to get married. Marriage can wait.
I was not in a hurry to stop ‘living the life’.

I had always had a thing for the ladies. Luckily enough for me, I learnt early enough that to get your dream lady did not always have to be all about the Benjamins. Playing your cards right and saying the right words at the right time were key in the game of ‘girl hunting’. If girl hunting was an art, I would easily be termed the ‘J├Ągermeister’.

Whilst having the extra cash made my choice of women classier these days, I always had my regular flow of women even when I didn’t have much from my days as a youth corper.
I wasn’t always the randy guy. In fact, I was a virgin till my 500 level in the university. I was aged 24. I had grown up having nerds and ‘spirikoko’ guys as the core of my friend’s circle. I unconsciously believed having a girlfriend was a ‘sin’.

All that was to change from the moment I met Bimbo.

I had met Bimbo in my 400levels. Bimbo had a lovely personality and a chuckle that melt hearts. She also had those kinds of booties you will usually see in Jo'burg, South Africa. She was blessed with a firm, rounded and protruding booty held by a tiny waist and a flat tummy giving her the perfect hourglass shape. Bimbo and I had met in fellowship on campus. I was an usher in fellowship and a diligent one at that. I guess I must have been too diligent that particular night because only a diligent eye could have noticed the size of the booty from the distance I was positioned.

From then on, my eyes stayed glued to her like a radar locked missile. I just couldn’t concentrate throughout the service and once service was over, I glided through the crowd to where she sat.


Unlike present day, I was still very shy back then and had not thought of mentally preparing a pick-up line. I just stood right in front of her not knowing what to say. Her eyes locked on to mine and she smiled. I looked away embarrassed.
‘Hi usher’. she quipped.
‘Hello’ came my weak and feeble reply. “…em…was wondering if you have the  offering envelope?”
(Every time I look back and remember that night, I still get embarrassed. Jeez! That had to be a contender for one of the dumbest pick-up lines ever!).
Funny you. Why would I need one? Service is over remember?” she asked, still having that smile etched all over her face. Why don’t you be a gentleman and walk me to my room?”
Oh ok. Why not? (Phew! That was a get out of jail card she played there. Everything is working far beyond what I expected).

I walked her to Idia hall and by the time we had finished gisting, I had concluded in one part of my mind that I had met ‘the special one’.
If it all went well that night, it was to become better in the weeks that followed. It seemed as if she was practically waiting for me all her life! This was 2003. GSM phones had just been introduced into the Nigerian market and I and Bimbo were a few of the lucky ones who had a phone to use on campus.

Despite the rather high rate for calls and text messages, my school allowances went into recharging my phone and calling Bimbo. Calls on an hourly basis and text messages to discuss the most mundane issues became the norm and within weeks, we had developed a bond. (Of course by this time, sex was not part of my lexicon yet).

That bond was to last a few weeks till she decided to attend foundation class for fellowship members and she met the Bible Study Secretary. Bro. Seun.

Our usual meetings started drying up with excuses of having to attend lectures, discussion groups, and foundation classes. Within three weeks, we basically stopped seeing. She also stopped picking my calls and depression started setting in for me. I ‘died’ any time a mutual friend informed me of seeing Bimbo with this same Bible study guy. I felt ‘chanced’ and ‘cheated’. I was only rescued from the torture by a three month ASUU strike that ensured I got Bimbo out of my mind.

On resumption in school after the strike, I was to get the biggest shocker of my life. After a Wednesday meeting, the fellowship pastor had announced to the full congregation that night that the Bible study secretary, Bro. Seun had been engaged to Bimbo. My Bimbo! The announcement literally had the effect of a magnitude 12.0 earthquake on my legs and I was literally shaking till I got back in my room.

After three days of ‘mourning’, self-pity and anger, I rose up and made some life changing decisions. I was quitting the fellowship, I was quitting the ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ persona and I was losing my virginity.
And that’s where it all began for me. Sit back and take a tour of  my bachelor world of sexual escapades and self-discovery.

By the way, my name is Shola.

 To be continued

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Forever (9) Finale

   Her cell phone rang, she checked the caller ID and smiled when she saw it was King.

“Hi,” she said happily.
 ‘Hi to you too.”

 “You sound happy.”
“Oh, I’m very happy.”

 “How are you?”
“I’m very fine.”
 “So, what’s up?”

 “I’ll like to have dinner with you tonight.”
“Hmmm. Business, celebratory, casual or formal?”
 “I’m supposed to figure all that out?” 

Alewa laughed. “Yes. So I’ll know what to wear.”
 “I’m but a man Alewa. Just wear anything you want, you look beautiful in anything.” Alewa was silent for a while. 

“That didn’t help at all.” 

“How about hoping-to-celebrate-something-dinner?”

 “Okay, that’s better.”

 “We aim to please.” 

 She giggled. “Where do we meet? And what time?” 

“I’ll come pick you, just be ready by 6pm.” 

“Okay then. You’re not going to give me any hint about what you’re hoping to celebrate?” 

“Not a hint.”
 “Is Georgina going to be there?”

 “It’s just you and I babe.”

 “Hmmm, that just got my curiosity level to 99%.”

  He laughed. “You’ll just have to wait to satisfy that 99% curiosity. See you later.”

 “Okay, bye.” She hung up. 

Alewa could not imagine what the call was about but she guessed she would have to wait to find out. 


Alewa and King were settled at their table about 6:45pm. It had taken them about forty minutes to get to the restaurant they were to have dinner at. 

You look really beautiful tonight Alewa.” King said.

 “Thank you King. You look handsome yourself.” She smiled. 

“I didn’t say that to get a compliment out of you. I meant it; you always take my breath away, even dressed in pajamas with your hair uncombed.” 

Alewa laughed. “That feels like a very long time ago.”

 “That’s because you’ve grown so much since then.”

 “Very true. But I did mean what I said. You know what I used to call you?” 

What?” he looked in her eyes and smiled. Alewa’s heart skipped a beat at that smile. 

“This handsome devil,” she whispered.

 King laughed. “A devil? Why that?”

 “Because you always made me do things I didn’t want to do.” 

“I’m hoping I can get you to do what you want to do today.”

 “What’s that?”

 He took her hand. “You know I love you right?” 

“Yes. I love you too King, you’ve been so awesome to me.” 

 He shook his head. “Not like that. I mean, I really love you.”

 “Oh….but King, you know that’s not wise.” 

 “Why not?”

 “Because of my condition. I don’t ever want to put you in that position.”

 “Alewa, you’re not putting me in anything. I’m choosing to be in if you’ll let me. Ever since the day I met you, my life hasn’t been the same. That day, I knew I will be a part of your life in some way, and I stuck around even when you made it very difficult.”

 He smiled. She returned his smile. “King, this disease is not going to go away.”

 “Don’t say that. There’s nothing impossible for God. Besides, there are measures to ensure both of us are safe in a relationship, as long as you keep taking your drugs.” 

She was surprised. “You’ve done your homework on this.”

 “Yes I have. And I believe we can make it work.”
 “I’ll like nothing more. But what about Georgina?”

He looked puzzled. “What about her?” 

“I got the impression you guys were more than friends, especially on her part.”

 “Alewa, Georgina is just a very good friend of mine. I never gave her the impression I wanted more.”

 “It didn’t stop her from hoping though.”

 “Well, I assure you I didn’t encourage her in any way.” 


 “So, will you have me?”

 “I’m willing to try, but I’m so scared.”


 “You know why.”

 “Believe me, I’m in for the good times and the bad too.”

  “Okay King. I trust you.”

 “We’ll take it one day at a time until forever.” He said and kissed her hand. 

Alewa smiled and nodded. “One day at a time until forever.”

  The  End

 Thanks for staying with us till the end of Alewa's captivating story. Our next series starts this weekend. Watch out!!

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